The group stages are over so it seems like a good time to do a little looking back and a little looking forward. So that’s what I’m going to do, about everything and anything World Cup (except for the U.S. team. I am way way way too emotionally invested in the Yanks to write coherently about them. Besides, by the time you read this they will have either beaten or lost to Ghana, and I will be either elated or crushed. When their run is over I’ll attempt to sum it all up). For now though, let’s look at some story lines.
The Big Four
England, France, Germany and Italy are the only four European nations who have won the World Cup. Half of them are already out, with France imploding in spectacular fashion and Italy giving up more than twice as many goals as it did during its run to the title 4 years ago. But, I suppose that’s bound to happen when you mail in the first 260 of the 270 minutes you play in the group stage. What a last ten minutes it was though, with Italy almost erasing a 2-0, and then 3-1 deficit, only to lose 3-2 when a last second shot dribble harmlessly wide. England and Germany meanwhile play each other in the round of 16. And while before the tournament big things were expected of England, and Germany was thought to be young and untested, that has not held true in the first three matches. Das Boots look much livelier and more dangerous than the lads. But, as always, past performance is no guarantee yadda yadda.
The Other Four
There are four other European teams still alive, and as luck would have it, they play each other as well, with Spain facing off against Portugal, and the Netherlands facing Slovakia. Despite being perennial World Cup under achievers, Spain, Portugal and the Netherlands are all dominant world sides. The Dutch have cruised so far, winning each game in their group in comfortable if not spectacular form, and as their reward they get Slovakia. And while Slovakia did beat Italy, that may say more about the sorry state of the Azzurri than anything else.
And then there's Spain and Portugal. After starting slowly, Spain has looked every inch the potential champion side its last two matches, easily handling Honduras and Chile. Although to be fair Chile played most of the match down to ten men. Portugal meanwhile hasn’t allowed a goal yet. That’s impressive until you consider that they haven’t scored a goal against anybody who doesn’t believe that Kim Jong Ill communicates with little invisible cell phones either. In the best of worlds this will be one of the best match ups of the round of 16 with the unstoppable force of Spain throwing itself against the immovable object of Portugal. In the worst of worlds Spain will kick the ball around for two hours for a 0-0 draw, and then hope to win in penalty kicks.
No, The Other South A.
Somewhere the sporting powers that be apparently made a typo. While South Africa is the host nation, who traditionally doesn’t lose in the group stages, it is actually all of South America that remains uneliminated. While Brazil and Argentina are no surprise, Paraguay, Uruguay and Chile all advanced as well. Not only did TOSA (the other South A) go 5 for 5, but Chile was the only one of the teams to not win its group. As such, they’re penalty is playing Brazil, probably the most dominant looking team in the tournament so far. The other three teams are scattered to the far corners of the bracket though, which allows for the possibility of an all TOSA semi-finals. And while Paraguay is a long shot, first facing a surprisingly game Japan team, and then having to face the winner of the Iberian rumble, Argentina and Uruguay both have every reason to believe they’ll be standing with two matches to go.
The Rest of the Best
I ran out of fingers somewhere in the last section, but my best guess is that I still have five teams I haven’t mentioned. Despite not scoring from the field, Ghana’s two converted penalty kicks were enough to net them a win and a draw and move them on into the knock out stage against the good old U.S. of A. On the Asian front Japan and South Korea both advanced, despite being viewed as also rans when the first ball dropped. They are both technically solid hard working teams and while they are underdogs against Paraguay and Uruguay respectively their draws are about as good as could be hoped for. Then there is Mexico, who has looked pretty good, but has the draw from hell playing first Argentina, and if they upset them, the winner of the Germany-England match. Which leaves the U.S. who I’m not talking about.
A Little Math
Of the 16 teams, 11 have never won the World Cup before. At first glance that seems like a recipe for a wide open result. At second glance though, in 18 previous world cups only 7 teams have ever won the whole thing, and 5 of them are still left. That’s more than in either of the last 2 World Cups, and those ended up with finals consisting of France v Italy and Germany v Brazil, all former winners. Moral of the story, expect the same old teams to emerge as the tournament goes deeper and deeper. It’s entirely possible that half of the final 8 and 3 of the final 4 will be previous winners. The only corner of the bracket that doesn’t have a past champion, has Spain and Portugal, two powerhouses waiting for their first breakthrough.
O.K. I Lied
After its last second heroics the U.S.A. has as good a draw as you could possibly hope for. With Ghana up first, and then the winner of the Uruguay-South Korea match the semi-finals and a possible match up with Brazil is not beyond the realm of possibility. Of course, Ghana comes first and the lone standing Africans are clearly the home team. They are a physically gifted defensive minded team, who look to counter attack in much the same way the Yanks do. The Black Stars are a better team than either Algeria or Slovenia and will not give the U.S. nearly as many scoring chances as those two teams did.
Also, my heart can’t take another ninety minutes of last second heroics.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Watching (More) Soccer So You Don't Have To
We are now two thirds of the way through the group stages of the world cup. Seems like a good time for a little bit of, what have we learned.
The Ball
Jabalani, the ball “invented” for this World Cup was initially decried by goal keepers the world over as, in U.S. Goalie Tim Howard’s words, “tragic.” And there certainly have been some dreadful goalie mistakes so far, none worse than England’s Robert Green against the U.S. But, as it turns out, the ball has been equally as effective at causing attacking players pain. More frequently than the goalie mistakes are the long strikes, and crosses, many times from some of the best players in the world, flying hither thither and yon. So far Jabalani seems to have prevented more goals than it caused.
The Refs
Obviously the blown call that disallowed the U.S.’s third goal against Slovenia has made headlines, but quite frankly that’s been the least of their problems. Bad calls happen from time to time, and those calls swing games. If the goal had been disallowed in a game between say Serbia and Ghana, it would have been talked about for ten minutes and then the world would have moved on. The bigger problem though has been the refs consistently being unable to maintain control of their games without issuing yellow and red cards with abandon. This leads to players picking up cheap second yellow cards and being sent off early, like Martin Klose for Germany against Serbia. In other cases cheap straight red cards are being given forcing teams to play extended periods of time down a man. Just ask Australia or Switzerland what that’s like. There has been a consistent inability by the referees to differentiate between real contact, and flopping. Its like penalty card roulette whenever two players run into each other (aided by the fact that both that both players hit the ground like they’ve had a leg chopped off). After starting off the tournament strong the refs have had an absolute nightmare run in the second matches of the group stage.
The Continents
Africa:
Ick. A World Cup that was supposed to be a coming out party for the home sides has turned into a giant step backwards. It is distinctly possible that for the first time in over 20 years an African team will not advance past the group stages. Ghana and Nigeria have a shot at keeping that from happening, but Ghana will need to get a result against Germany, and Nigeria will need to win and get help.
Asia:
A surprisingly good performance from the region, with both South Korea, and Japan seeming poised to advance, and even Australia (yes geographically challenged FIFA considers Australia, but not New Zealand a part of Asia), with a shot of moving through. North Korea on the other hand, gave the Brazilians a game effort, falling 2-1, before rolling studs up for Portugal. But on the bright side I’m sure the headlines in North Korea will praise Dear Leader for his dramatic last second hat trick in winning the World Cup (actually apparently the drubbing was broadcast live in the People’s Repub. I wonder how Kim Jong will spin that. And if I ever own a bar, I’m naming it the People’s Repub).
Europe:
France, England and Italy are all dramatic disappointments to date, although the latter 2 are good bets to advance despite their form. Portugal submitted the drubbing of the tournament, crushing North Korea 7-0, and all but locking up advancing to the knock out stage. Spain and Germany have both blown hot and cold, dropping a game but still being well poised to advance. When your continent makes up more than a third of the field it’s a good bet that somebody will figure out a way to contend, even if it isn’t who you expect (Ahem Netherlands).
N. America:
Mexico is through, and if the U.S. takes care of business against Algeria they’ll be through too. Now the question is can either of them make some noise in knock out stage.
S. America:
Oh my. If things break as expected all 5 teams will advance to the knock out stage, without a weak team among them. After playing conservative first matches, Paraguay and Uruguay both took care of business in their second matches against weak opponents. Brazil and Argentina are Brazil and Argentina and Chile has looked lively and dangerous in sitting atop its group as well (although they have yet to play Spain).
And Finally New Zealand:
The little team that could. Qualifying for the World Cup by
beating powerhouses like New Caledonia, Vanuatu and Bahrain, New Zealand would have been considered lucky to score a goal, or get a draw entering the tournament. But after two games, they have tied first Slovakia and then mighty Italy. If they can get a result against Paraguay they have every chance to move onto the knockout stages. That would be one of the biggest upsets of all time. Think of it like a 16 beating a 1 seed.
And I’ll be back with more pithy summing up before the knock out stage begins this weekend.
The Ball
Jabalani, the ball “invented” for this World Cup was initially decried by goal keepers the world over as, in U.S. Goalie Tim Howard’s words, “tragic.” And there certainly have been some dreadful goalie mistakes so far, none worse than England’s Robert Green against the U.S. But, as it turns out, the ball has been equally as effective at causing attacking players pain. More frequently than the goalie mistakes are the long strikes, and crosses, many times from some of the best players in the world, flying hither thither and yon. So far Jabalani seems to have prevented more goals than it caused.
The Refs
Obviously the blown call that disallowed the U.S.’s third goal against Slovenia has made headlines, but quite frankly that’s been the least of their problems. Bad calls happen from time to time, and those calls swing games. If the goal had been disallowed in a game between say Serbia and Ghana, it would have been talked about for ten minutes and then the world would have moved on. The bigger problem though has been the refs consistently being unable to maintain control of their games without issuing yellow and red cards with abandon. This leads to players picking up cheap second yellow cards and being sent off early, like Martin Klose for Germany against Serbia. In other cases cheap straight red cards are being given forcing teams to play extended periods of time down a man. Just ask Australia or Switzerland what that’s like. There has been a consistent inability by the referees to differentiate between real contact, and flopping. Its like penalty card roulette whenever two players run into each other (aided by the fact that both that both players hit the ground like they’ve had a leg chopped off). After starting off the tournament strong the refs have had an absolute nightmare run in the second matches of the group stage.
The Continents
Africa:
Ick. A World Cup that was supposed to be a coming out party for the home sides has turned into a giant step backwards. It is distinctly possible that for the first time in over 20 years an African team will not advance past the group stages. Ghana and Nigeria have a shot at keeping that from happening, but Ghana will need to get a result against Germany, and Nigeria will need to win and get help.
Asia:
A surprisingly good performance from the region, with both South Korea, and Japan seeming poised to advance, and even Australia (yes geographically challenged FIFA considers Australia, but not New Zealand a part of Asia), with a shot of moving through. North Korea on the other hand, gave the Brazilians a game effort, falling 2-1, before rolling studs up for Portugal. But on the bright side I’m sure the headlines in North Korea will praise Dear Leader for his dramatic last second hat trick in winning the World Cup (actually apparently the drubbing was broadcast live in the People’s Repub. I wonder how Kim Jong will spin that. And if I ever own a bar, I’m naming it the People’s Repub).
Europe:
France, England and Italy are all dramatic disappointments to date, although the latter 2 are good bets to advance despite their form. Portugal submitted the drubbing of the tournament, crushing North Korea 7-0, and all but locking up advancing to the knock out stage. Spain and Germany have both blown hot and cold, dropping a game but still being well poised to advance. When your continent makes up more than a third of the field it’s a good bet that somebody will figure out a way to contend, even if it isn’t who you expect (Ahem Netherlands).
N. America:
Mexico is through, and if the U.S. takes care of business against Algeria they’ll be through too. Now the question is can either of them make some noise in knock out stage.
S. America:
Oh my. If things break as expected all 5 teams will advance to the knock out stage, without a weak team among them. After playing conservative first matches, Paraguay and Uruguay both took care of business in their second matches against weak opponents. Brazil and Argentina are Brazil and Argentina and Chile has looked lively and dangerous in sitting atop its group as well (although they have yet to play Spain).
And Finally New Zealand:
The little team that could. Qualifying for the World Cup by
beating powerhouses like New Caledonia, Vanuatu and Bahrain, New Zealand would have been considered lucky to score a goal, or get a draw entering the tournament. But after two games, they have tied first Slovakia and then mighty Italy. If they can get a result against Paraguay they have every chance to move onto the knockout stages. That would be one of the biggest upsets of all time. Think of it like a 16 beating a 1 seed.
And I’ll be back with more pithy summing up before the knock out stage begins this weekend.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Watching Soccer So You Don't Have To
One weekend and 8 games done. Here, game by game is a brief review for all you non soccer fans out there.
Friday
South Africa 1 – Mexico 1
My mother, who only knew the World Cup was starting because the Mexican workers fixing her basement asked if they could hook up the TV, summed it up best. “It was a good score. South Aftica avoided the ignomininiy…ignomity…ingno…embarrassment of being the first host team to lose its first match, and I didn’t have a bunch of angry Mexicans in my basement.” Mom always has a way of getting to what’s important.
France 0 – Uruguay 0
This game was awful. It was everything that American people who don’t like soccer think soccer is. To make an American football comparison; Uruguay’s offense was as if a team decided to punt on first down every time they got the ball, so that their defense could stop France. Then when France punted Uruguay could attempt to return it for a touchdown. So for those of you keeping score at home, Uruguay are the Chicago Bears of the World Cup.
Saturday
South Korea 2 – Greece 0
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Literally. The game started at 5:30 in the morning our time. South Korea scored in the first ten minutes, and Greece didn’t get a shot on goal for over an hour. This was not a game you woul call competitive, or interesting. It got a lot of fast forward treatment on the DVR.
Argentina 1 – Nigeria 0
Lionel Messi is the best player in the world. He had more shots on goal for Argentina in the first half than any other team in the tournament up to that point. The fact that none of them went in is because the Nigerian goalie by his own admission had the game of his life. Of course you don’t get extra points for game of your life when you still lose. On the flip side Argentina tried really hard to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the second half. With Argentine hero, and certified madman Maradona on the bench (think of him like “the most interesting man in the world” if the most interesting man in the world were a raving egotistical psychopath) Argentina has the delicate mix of talent and insanity to make them a prime rubbernecking candidate.
England 1 – USA 1
The main event of the day. Soccer really can be a cruel sport. American fans had been waiting six months for the match, ever since the World Cup schedules were made. And after six months and five minutes it seemed that it would all be for nothing as England ruthlessly cut out American hearts with a goal before you could blink. For the next 85 minutes though the US was every bit the equal of one of the legitimate contenders for the World Cup crown. And when you add to that England’s goalie pulling his very own Bill Buckner and letting a beyond routine save bounce off his hands and in and you have a well earned draw for the U.S. Americans often have a problem with the idea of a tie, so let’s adopt the New York Post’s stance. As the back page headline read “U.S. beats England 1-1.” Amen.
Sunday
Slovenia 1 – Algeria 0
The smallest country in the tournament pitted against the weakest of the six African sides in the tournament. Unsurprisingly this led to a real snoozefest of a game. It did, however, begin Sunday’s trend of players getting red carded and sent off. Algeria began playing a man down with about twenty minutes left, and their goalie apparently thought he was from England as he also let in a routine save to give the LFYTC (that would be the Little Former Yugolsavian Team that Could…I may need to work on my anagramming skills a little) the victory.
Ghana 1 – Serbia 0
On their fourth try a team from Africa finally comes up with a victory. The Black Stars (I’m not being racist, that’s really Ghana’s nickname. Luckily they will probably not play the All Whites of New Zealand this tournament. The All Whites versus the Black Stars in formerly apartheid South Africa would probably make everybody just a bit squeamish) looked like the better ream from the start. But it took a red card to Serbia, and then a penalty shot with ten minutes left, thanks to an idiotic Serbian handball to give them the win.
Germany 4 – Australia 0
The first truly dominant performance of the tournament. Germany rolled through Australia like they were Poland (WWII joke, too soon?). It was 2-0 at halftime, and the surprisingly not all that blonde and blue Germans could have been up 3 or 4 at that point. And in the 2nd half when Australia’s best player Tim Cahill got sent off with a red card (in what was the first questionable refereeing decision of the tournament) the rout was officially on. Germany has been in 4 of the last 7 World Cup finals, so they are always contenders, but this was supposed to be a down year for them. Right. And they were going to stop at Czechoslovakia too.
Friday
South Africa 1 – Mexico 1
My mother, who only knew the World Cup was starting because the Mexican workers fixing her basement asked if they could hook up the TV, summed it up best. “It was a good score. South Aftica avoided the ignomininiy…ignomity…ingno…embarrassment of being the first host team to lose its first match, and I didn’t have a bunch of angry Mexicans in my basement.” Mom always has a way of getting to what’s important.
France 0 – Uruguay 0
This game was awful. It was everything that American people who don’t like soccer think soccer is. To make an American football comparison; Uruguay’s offense was as if a team decided to punt on first down every time they got the ball, so that their defense could stop France. Then when France punted Uruguay could attempt to return it for a touchdown. So for those of you keeping score at home, Uruguay are the Chicago Bears of the World Cup.
Saturday
South Korea 2 – Greece 0
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Literally. The game started at 5:30 in the morning our time. South Korea scored in the first ten minutes, and Greece didn’t get a shot on goal for over an hour. This was not a game you woul call competitive, or interesting. It got a lot of fast forward treatment on the DVR.
Argentina 1 – Nigeria 0
Lionel Messi is the best player in the world. He had more shots on goal for Argentina in the first half than any other team in the tournament up to that point. The fact that none of them went in is because the Nigerian goalie by his own admission had the game of his life. Of course you don’t get extra points for game of your life when you still lose. On the flip side Argentina tried really hard to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the second half. With Argentine hero, and certified madman Maradona on the bench (think of him like “the most interesting man in the world” if the most interesting man in the world were a raving egotistical psychopath) Argentina has the delicate mix of talent and insanity to make them a prime rubbernecking candidate.
England 1 – USA 1
The main event of the day. Soccer really can be a cruel sport. American fans had been waiting six months for the match, ever since the World Cup schedules were made. And after six months and five minutes it seemed that it would all be for nothing as England ruthlessly cut out American hearts with a goal before you could blink. For the next 85 minutes though the US was every bit the equal of one of the legitimate contenders for the World Cup crown. And when you add to that England’s goalie pulling his very own Bill Buckner and letting a beyond routine save bounce off his hands and in and you have a well earned draw for the U.S. Americans often have a problem with the idea of a tie, so let’s adopt the New York Post’s stance. As the back page headline read “U.S. beats England 1-1.” Amen.
Sunday
Slovenia 1 – Algeria 0
The smallest country in the tournament pitted against the weakest of the six African sides in the tournament. Unsurprisingly this led to a real snoozefest of a game. It did, however, begin Sunday’s trend of players getting red carded and sent off. Algeria began playing a man down with about twenty minutes left, and their goalie apparently thought he was from England as he also let in a routine save to give the LFYTC (that would be the Little Former Yugolsavian Team that Could…I may need to work on my anagramming skills a little) the victory.
Ghana 1 – Serbia 0
On their fourth try a team from Africa finally comes up with a victory. The Black Stars (I’m not being racist, that’s really Ghana’s nickname. Luckily they will probably not play the All Whites of New Zealand this tournament. The All Whites versus the Black Stars in formerly apartheid South Africa would probably make everybody just a bit squeamish) looked like the better ream from the start. But it took a red card to Serbia, and then a penalty shot with ten minutes left, thanks to an idiotic Serbian handball to give them the win.
Germany 4 – Australia 0
The first truly dominant performance of the tournament. Germany rolled through Australia like they were Poland (WWII joke, too soon?). It was 2-0 at halftime, and the surprisingly not all that blonde and blue Germans could have been up 3 or 4 at that point. And in the 2nd half when Australia’s best player Tim Cahill got sent off with a red card (in what was the first questionable refereeing decision of the tournament) the rout was officially on. Germany has been in 4 of the last 7 World Cup finals, so they are always contenders, but this was supposed to be a down year for them. Right. And they were going to stop at Czechoslovakia too.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Look Ma No Hands
It’s World Cup time. This excites me to no end for two reasons. The first is that it’s over one hundred degrees pretty much every day here. So now in addition to getting shot, I risk melting like the Wicked Witch of the West every time I go outside. And no, the fact that it’s a dry heat is not any consolation; in fact I can practically feel the greedy air sucking the water out of my skin every time I step outside the house. Being able to sit inside and watch lots of soccer in HD every day for over a month seems ever more appealing.
The second reason I’m excited is that, and I know this might make me a pariah in my home country; I’m actually a really big soccer fan. Four years ago I started watching the last World Cup, and despite a pitiful performance from the U.S.I got hooked. At the time I was living on a block in Manhattan that had a French café on one corner, and on the opposite side of the street an Italian bar. These were the kinds of places that did not have TVs 1460 out of 1461 days (that would be 365 times 4 and don’t forget to add the leap day), and didn’t have customers much more frequently than that. Except for the weekend when their respective countries were in the final match of the World Cup. All of a sudden, both establishments had TVs, balloons and lots and lots of people. So many that the intersection became an impromptu street fair, and perish the car that tried to get through. It was like the Super Bowl and the Olympics smushed together and translated into a language I didn’t speak. So, I spent the next four years learning it.
Surprisingly I found soccer similar to baseball in a whole bunch of ways. There are lots of players on the field at the same time, but only two or three of them are actively involved with the ball at once. Also, there are large stretches of both games with no scoring. To the casual watcher this makes them boring, while to a fan it offers a wider variety of factors to pay attention to. It’s the subtlety that makes both sports great, what goes on away from the ball and between the scoring. How is the defense positioned? Who’s getting tired? Who will react well to building pressure? Who is gaining the advantage in the individual mental battles that can prove so pivotal? And it doesn’t hurt soccer, that unlike baseball, there are no commercials or stoppages in play (other than halftime) and the game is over in under two hours.
So starting today I will be living all soccer all the time. Obviously the U.S. team is my first love, and a group I’ve followed religiously for the last four years. After them, I’m firmly in the Dutch camp (its either because I love Orange, or I have some monetary incentive you can decide) and then for sentimental (and maybe a little monetary also) reasons all the African teams. And since I’m a sucker for lost causes I’ll be sure to watch North Korea and New Zealand play as well.
I’ll be writing about it all (or at least some of it when I feel like it) here, because after all what else do I have to do.
The second reason I’m excited is that, and I know this might make me a pariah in my home country; I’m actually a really big soccer fan. Four years ago I started watching the last World Cup, and despite a pitiful performance from the U.S.I got hooked. At the time I was living on a block in Manhattan that had a French café on one corner, and on the opposite side of the street an Italian bar. These were the kinds of places that did not have TVs 1460 out of 1461 days (that would be 365 times 4 and don’t forget to add the leap day), and didn’t have customers much more frequently than that. Except for the weekend when their respective countries were in the final match of the World Cup. All of a sudden, both establishments had TVs, balloons and lots and lots of people. So many that the intersection became an impromptu street fair, and perish the car that tried to get through. It was like the Super Bowl and the Olympics smushed together and translated into a language I didn’t speak. So, I spent the next four years learning it.
Surprisingly I found soccer similar to baseball in a whole bunch of ways. There are lots of players on the field at the same time, but only two or three of them are actively involved with the ball at once. Also, there are large stretches of both games with no scoring. To the casual watcher this makes them boring, while to a fan it offers a wider variety of factors to pay attention to. It’s the subtlety that makes both sports great, what goes on away from the ball and between the scoring. How is the defense positioned? Who’s getting tired? Who will react well to building pressure? Who is gaining the advantage in the individual mental battles that can prove so pivotal? And it doesn’t hurt soccer, that unlike baseball, there are no commercials or stoppages in play (other than halftime) and the game is over in under two hours.
So starting today I will be living all soccer all the time. Obviously the U.S. team is my first love, and a group I’ve followed religiously for the last four years. After them, I’m firmly in the Dutch camp (its either because I love Orange, or I have some monetary incentive you can decide) and then for sentimental (and maybe a little monetary also) reasons all the African teams. And since I’m a sucker for lost causes I’ll be sure to watch North Korea and New Zealand play as well.
I’ll be writing about it all (or at least some of it when I feel like it) here, because after all what else do I have to do.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Of Tweeting and English Lessons
As I mentioned in my inaugural tweet (see the hideously ugly new box in the sidebar), I had the opportunity to teach some English the other day. To explain how it came about, I should first talk about the ever increasing security measures around the border. As the situation here continues to deteriorate (or at least stubbornly refuses to get even a little bit better) security as you come into Mexico continues to increase. It has now become commonplace for me to be stopped by U.S. Customs and Border Patrol (CBP) as I leave the U.S. Something about a single white guy driving a car with way way way out of state plates must scream suspicious. I have been asked if I have large amounts of cash, guns, ammunition, and once, “a big ol’ bag of knives or something.” Then one guy searches the car while the other guy makes small talk. Good times are had by all (except for possibly the car, which doesn’t even get a cup of coffee bought for it before being violated in every way imaginable), and after about ten minutes I’m on my way.
With one notable exception. If the Notorious D.O.G. is with me, I never ever ever get searched. It’s like a puppy Jedi mind trick. I role down the window, a CBP guy starts asking me questions, looks at D.O.G., gets a goofy little grin on his face and then waves me on through. It’s probably not surprising that CBP officers, many of whom work with drug sniffing dogs all the time, are big old softies when it comes to my pup, but the degree of difference in their attitudes is both amusing and mildly alarming. I mean what if the drug dealers watch the Jim Beam rent a puppy commercial?
Anywho. After clearing that first hurdle and driving across the bridge there’s the normal customs stop upon arriving in Mexico. That’s always been there, and is a complete nonentity. Occasionally a red light goes off and a siren rings and some guy asks to see the registration for the car. Now though, after the customs check point, there’s a military check point. The right lane of the two lane road is now cordoned off by cones with one army guy out front waving a big, orange, traffic directing flag. Of course usually he’s just waving it back and forth which means a driver has no idea whether he’s being waved in to be searched or waved on by to make his merry way into Mexico.
At least that’s what I thought until last week when the soldier, who incidentally, like most soldiers in Mexico, looks at most nineteen years old, pointed his flag at me, locked eyes, and pointed me over. So that’s what that looks like. I pulled past Mr. Flag, stopped by three additional soldiers and rolled down my window. The boss motioned me out of the car. So naturally I asked, “get out?” He nodded. Then the following conversation ensued.
Him: “How say?”
Me: “In Inglés?”
Him: “Si.”
Me: “Get…out”
Him: “Geeeet aut”
Me: “Si.”
At this point he says something in Spanish, so I put on my confused you’re talking in Spanish face. Being the intrepid guy that he is, the soldier I’m talking to points at the machine gun slung casually around his buddy’s neck, and then points at the car. I assume he’s asking if I have any guns in the car, and say no. So then he points at the gun again and asks me how to say it in English.
Me: “Gun.”
Him: “Gooo”
Me: “Gunnnnnnn”
Him: “Gooon”
Me: “Si.”
Then they did a cursory search of the car and sent me on my way. I suppose anybody willing to give English lessons at not quite gunpoint at the side of the road isn’t likely to be carrying contraband?
And on that note, follow me on twitter. It’s a well known fact that I’m perfectly willing to talk to myself. And I’ll do it in cyberspace too if you make me. But I still love an audience.
With one notable exception. If the Notorious D.O.G. is with me, I never ever ever get searched. It’s like a puppy Jedi mind trick. I role down the window, a CBP guy starts asking me questions, looks at D.O.G., gets a goofy little grin on his face and then waves me on through. It’s probably not surprising that CBP officers, many of whom work with drug sniffing dogs all the time, are big old softies when it comes to my pup, but the degree of difference in their attitudes is both amusing and mildly alarming. I mean what if the drug dealers watch the Jim Beam rent a puppy commercial?
Anywho. After clearing that first hurdle and driving across the bridge there’s the normal customs stop upon arriving in Mexico. That’s always been there, and is a complete nonentity. Occasionally a red light goes off and a siren rings and some guy asks to see the registration for the car. Now though, after the customs check point, there’s a military check point. The right lane of the two lane road is now cordoned off by cones with one army guy out front waving a big, orange, traffic directing flag. Of course usually he’s just waving it back and forth which means a driver has no idea whether he’s being waved in to be searched or waved on by to make his merry way into Mexico.
At least that’s what I thought until last week when the soldier, who incidentally, like most soldiers in Mexico, looks at most nineteen years old, pointed his flag at me, locked eyes, and pointed me over. So that’s what that looks like. I pulled past Mr. Flag, stopped by three additional soldiers and rolled down my window. The boss motioned me out of the car. So naturally I asked, “get out?” He nodded. Then the following conversation ensued.
Him: “How say?”
Me: “In Inglés?”
Him: “Si.”
Me: “Get…out”
Him: “Geeeet aut”
Me: “Si.”
At this point he says something in Spanish, so I put on my confused you’re talking in Spanish face. Being the intrepid guy that he is, the soldier I’m talking to points at the machine gun slung casually around his buddy’s neck, and then points at the car. I assume he’s asking if I have any guns in the car, and say no. So then he points at the gun again and asks me how to say it in English.
Me: “Gun.”
Him: “Gooo”
Me: “Gunnnnnnn”
Him: “Gooon”
Me: “Si.”
Then they did a cursory search of the car and sent me on my way. I suppose anybody willing to give English lessons at not quite gunpoint at the side of the road isn’t likely to be carrying contraband?
And on that note, follow me on twitter. It’s a well known fact that I’m perfectly willing to talk to myself. And I’ll do it in cyberspace too if you make me. But I still love an audience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
